User Manual

Simone Haruko Smith

  • A.K.A Sim1
  • 5’8.5” “human” female
  • Item weight: 125 pounds (tremendous ego not included)
  • Professional neurotic and user-generated content advocate
  • Directive: Ignite, maximize, and perpetuate change

Key Features

  • Fully equipped with quirkiness, enthusiasm, and irony
  • Revolutionary obsessive-compulsive technology
  • Automatic interest in absolutely everything
  • Ability to succeed via the application of repeated blunt force

Installed Software*

  • The New World Order Online Survival Suite
  • Passion Unlimited
  • Undying Drive
  • Quirky Overdrive

*Eating, drinking, clubbing, partying, dancing, dating, and romance not included; must be installed manually (may lead to system failure)

Optional Accessories

  • Knives
  • Fascinators
  • Black only outfits
  • Stormtrooper armor (popular)
  • Steel, pearl, diamond or platinum “Shiny Things”

DIRECTIONS FOR USE

  1. Contact Simone
  2. Provide her with a suitable challenge and incentive
  3. Have fun / may God have mercy on your soul
  4. Repeat

Quick Reference Guide
To make Simone angry: Sneeze or cough into your hands instead of the crook of your arm (you disgusting vector of viral plague).
To scare the crap out of Simone:  Get her to leave her apartment.
To make Simone sad: Express disinterest in the world.
To make Simone uncomfortable: Compliment her.
To make Simone happy: Talk with her about something geeky / tell her about your life.
To gain Simone’s trust: Be brutally up-front and honest with her.
To gain Simone’s respect: Tell her about something that fascinates you / Dislike her (she sees it as a sign of good taste)
To get Simone to like you: Mock, tease, or make fun of her.
To spark Simone’s interest: Be mysterious and entirely disinterested in her.
To bribe Simone: Provide organic strawberries.

FAQ

What does Simone do?
She helps people use online resources to reach new heights.

What is wrong with Simone’s face / hands?
Asymmetric Mandibular Prognathism / (probably) Raynaud’s.

Why does Simone always wear weird things on her head?
Because they are amusing.

What does Simone want from me?
Stories, passion, an open mind, and concrete action.

Why does Simone not eat?
Because she uninstalled her eating software and has to rely on food scales and external devices.

What will Simone drink?
Only hot water. But not too hot. Tea is tolerable but not preferred; espresso is enjoyed but will cause drowsiness.

Why is Simone so busy?
She can’t stand to be left alone with her own thoughts.

When are the best times to reach Simone / hang out with Simone?

  • Reach: 5:30am-7:00am & 2:00pm-5:00pm PST
  • Hang out: Wednesday or Friday nights and Saturday/Sunday afternoons

Simone is best reached via email & text.

Is Simone serious?
Each thing and every thing Simone says is 50% sincere and 50% sarcastic.

Why is Simone so weird?
She is socially retarded. All cordial public behavior is an act.

INTERPRETATION

Why is Simone avoiding me?
She is not actually avoiding you- she is being reclusive. Simone can only handle so much social activity each day. If she does something social during the day, she has to be alone at night, and vice versa. If she does not get her alone time, she becomes a royal bitch.

Why did Simone not come to the thing I invited her to?
See above response. Chances are Simone already reached her social capacity for the day, and even though she WANTED to go to your thing, she had no choice but to shy away from humans like vampires hide form the sun (and yes, she does hiss).

What is Simone’s gift policy?
She prefers to do fun stuff (think: skydiving / classes / lectures) instead of acquire things, so her favorite gifts to give and receive are experiences, not objects. She also prefers to give / receive things when appropriate – not on arbitrary dates. NEVER feel obligated to give Simone a gift. If you really want to give her something meaningful, tell her about something you’re passionate about or teach her about something interesting.

How can I tell when Simone is stressed?
Her hands turn purple.

How can I tell when Simone disagrees with me?
She blinks a lot.

How can I tell when Simone is nervous?
She talks a lot, laughs, and smiles.

Is Simone evil?
Yes.

UPDATES

How often do exceptions get thrown or are edge cases found in Simone’s hard/soft/wetware?
Exceptions are highly unusual with regard to Simone Protocol; for this reason, the User Manual is of particular utility.

Are point releases scheduled, or can we consider this FAQ locked in stone?
Point releases are scheduled but are few and far between. Unscheduled releases take place pending bludgeons to the head (preferably with frozen herrings).

SOMETHING MISSING?

Say so! And if you want to be super cool, make your OWN user manual.

7 thoughts on “User Manual

  1. Genius! And I keep thinking about that movie ‘Clay Pidgeons’ when the police officer asks his deputy to “please stop poking the dead body with a stick”….I know…I’ma sicko:) lol

    Brilliant bio!!

  2. Yeah, Julie shared this. Fantastic bio. You have a perfect hook. My hook is bent, dead and rusty. I need some silver polish and some rags or something, maybe some pliers to bend the hook, and then some metallic glitter or something to spruce it up…Haha.

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